-scribbled by jer-
Thursday, August 14, 2008
11:05 PM
Should I have told you?
You asked, so I answered.
I don't know.
I was vague.
I'll admit as much.
Some things are not meant to be.
It took me by surprise.
To tell the truth.
And remained in my mind.
We'll just see how it goes.
-scribbled by jer-
Saturday, July 26, 2008
5:08 PM
Summer madness.
The heat comes on and it makes you do crazy things.
Sales are on.
Clothes are off.
It all goes on into the night.
Ice, ice baby.
Deliciously down its slippery path.
Leaving you shivering in its wake.
Sweet relief.
-scribbled by jer-
Sunday, June 01, 2008
11:01 PM
Hello Gorgeous.
I've missed you.
Your lame humour too.
It has been hard.
You not around to talk to at times.
It wasn't your fault.
Hello Gorgeous.
I adore you.
You of three I hold dear.
Your warm hands that calm me.
That voice that soothes me, amuse me.
Those ears that take care of me.
Hello Gorgeous.
I used to love you.
Bet you didn't know that.
Or ever will.
Took me a year to get over you.
You were my type.
Hello Gorgeous.
I need you.
Sweeping through my hair.
Carressing my skin.
Giving me that glow; a sparkle in my eye.
You dance with me and I feel free.
Hello Gorgeous.
I welcome you.
Your innocent expressions of love.
The darkness beckons.
I find rest.
Secure in your arms; I fall asleep.
-scribbled by jer-
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
10:52 PM
Today was an Esther Greenwood day.
This overwhelming sense
Of melancholy just washed over me.
And the coat of blue has yet to dry.
It would mean so much to me
If you stayed and waited awhile.
Paint splatters, drips and drops.
Time helps each shade to fade but:-
Only a case of you will wash it all away.
Naked desperation clothed her blemished face. Instinctively, she buried her useless hands in her hair. It took away her confusion at what to do. Not in the larger sense, no, she was not that lucky. The force of momentum that used to propel her forward was lost. Glass had just cracked and it was gone in that instant. She truly did not know what to do; in the most basic sense. It was as if she had to learn everything again. Her unsteady hands trembled on their own violation. They have been doing that a lot lately. She was a bloody mess; one worthy of the bodies that were thrown on the tracks. A crude method, no doubt. Yet one so primitive, it exposed all without meaning to in the most spectacular wreck of a manner. A captivating wreck, you could not tear your eyes from, when all you wanted to do was turn away.
-scribbled by jer-
Thursday, May 08, 2008
2:54 PM
Warning: This is a gushing, all-is-right-with-the-world post. If you're like my normal self, please turn away or keep eye-rolling to a minimum. Thank you.
Listening to the Enchanted soundtrack somehow puts me in a good mood. That-as in mood music, coupled with good friends make for a pretty good life. Add in being given a Mars bar for no particular reason and you get chocolate goodness.
It makes up for my accident prone day yesterday. I nearly tripped when my foot was entwined around the leg of my chair. Shortly after, I got a paper cut on my middle left finger. Thankfully, I had left a plaster in my spectacle case for goodness how long. I only remembered it when I was making my way down the slope to head over to the main library. So, I stopped, took it out and plastered my finger. The weight of the laptop in my bag must have thrown me off because somehow I found myself walking towards the branch right ahead of me. In order to avoid hitting my head (even though I'm short enough to pass through but I would have gone off the path), I swerved only to bang my left hand against the concrete railing fixture. Ouch! At least, I could go around showing everyone the middle finger without creating too much offence. After all, I could always say I was showing them my paper cut!
That sure was a hell of a day. It got better after though when I met Rai for dinner. We both were so exhausted that when we first sat down, we just slumped and stared into space together like a couple of idiots. Funnily enough, that was quite natural behaviour. Our moods and thoughts have always been on the same wavelength. She can tell when I'm upset just over sms and we both say the same thing at the same time alot. Psych!
Alright, I lied in the beginning. But I am feeling slightly euphoric. My friends are bloody fantastic people and I am really glad to have them. They lighten my mood just with their presence, jibes, insults and mindless chatter. Thank God for them!
-scribbled by jer-
Saturday, April 19, 2008
4:29 PM
In pieces, across the floor.
Scattered with the breeze.
A puzzle left incomplete.
I lay curled to my knees.
The pieces didn't fit.
They never did.
At odds yet at work.
A striking thing indeed.
Something was lost.
Never at ease.
Who knew what it was?
Not even me.
I falter and pause.
My hand in mid air.
Gently, it came down.
In a twist of despair.
Fingers uncurled.
The hand went limp.
Exposed and afraid.
It trembled with care.
Blue veins screamed out.
Seeking relief.
The cold floor was strength.
As some would believe.
To not feel a thing.
To not try and bear.
The burdens there were.
Which needed to be shared.
Blood was demanded.
Crimson to be shed.
The tears came down.
While I shook my head.
-scribbled by jer-
Monday, March 17, 2008
4:02 AM
It was the last sight for many soldiers as they left their beloved country. As they sailed away, it perhaps comforted them to see the white cliffs of Dover as it slowly faded away in the distance.
Cut!
Sounds like a scene out of an epic movie right? Too bad it wasn't like that when we got there. It rained and a mist rolled in. You could barely make out mist from cliff. What was interesting though, was that there were residences among the cliffs. During the war, secret tunnels were dug into the cliffs. As you can probably tell, the white cliffs were a sitting duck when it came to air raids.
Si Min and I strolled along the pier as rain dripped down on us. There were fishermen nearby, trying their luck. The sea was relatively calm as it bobbed slightly with the receeding tides. You could spot about four lighthouses in total along the coastline. As we made our way, we saw this large cruise ship sailing in our direction. For a moment, you could almost imagine a jaws-like sequence happening but Dover is just too peaceful.
We talked about how we wouldn't mind spending our holiday in Dover. Many Victorians used to have their summer there after all, till it became a bore. The pace of life was definitely in between languid to non-existent. It would be quite lovely though- strolling on the pier, walking along the beach, reading a book or just sitting at a cafe.
When we got back to the car and warmth, it couldn't start! The engine had just died. As we waited for help to arrive, I decided to walk along the beach. Odd fact about the beach- it isn't made up of sand but small coloured pebbles. Littered all over the coast were deep purple shells, a stunning sight I must say!
Si Min joined me a little later on and we explored the beach. She had a grand time climbing the steep incline as the rocks skittered down. We picked up a few rocks and stones before heading down to the waves. The oddest thought of just walking into the sea popped into my head.
As part of a dare, I got Si Min to dip part of her foot into the chilly water. She whined throughout but did it anyway. Using that as an excuse , I decided to join her. Alright, Ill admit that I just could not pass up the opportunity. Who goes to the beach and not go into the water after all? Plus, I wanted the experience. Stripping off my shoes and socks, I walked in a little as the tides came in. As the waters swum up to about above ankle-high, I started to feel my feet freeze. It was a very cool feeling- figurative and literally. The hard part was putting on my shoes in the shifting rocks.
We quickly ran back when the toll truck came. The problem apparently lay with my dad pumping in petrol instead of diesel into the car. After a quick tow, the oil was pumped out in a workshop and we were on our way again. Some big adventure huh?
-scribbled by jer-
Saturday, March 15, 2008
9:16 AM
The darnest thing just happened!
I was working on the computer; editing some stuff when I heard this knocking sound. So, I peeped out and there was this pretty hot guy in a tux banging on the door opposite ours. After some time, he gave up and walked off. A brief interlude later, he came back again and I could hear him knocking.
It was about then that I realised I needed to pop over to my parents' room to get the charger for the camera battery. After a quick look to check that there was nobody around, I left my room with my dad's key in tow. Imagine my surprise when I found the hot tux sitting by our door! Flashing a quick smile at him and silently cursing myself for looking so unglam, I slipped into my parents' room. Trying as silently as I could, I rummaged around looking for it. Of course, just the sound from opening the door alone roused my mum.
A few knocks and bangs later, I managed to locate the charger and slipped out again. The tux was still there, only this time he was knocking on his door again. As he turned to glance at me, I found myself making small talk- of all the times to do so! "Forgot your key?" I asked with an amused smile. He muttered something along the lines of being locked out. At that very moment- when those words had slipped out of my mouth, I realised something really stupid.
I had forgotten my own room key! While I had been so careful to remember to bring along my dad's key, I had neglected my own and my handphone. I felt extremely dumb the moment the words flew out as the realisation of what I had done or did not do, dawned on me. The full impact just hit me from nowhere; like a blow from the dark.
Left with no other option, I joined him in knocking urgently on our respective doors. Alas, the telly was blaring Kylie Minogue in "Can't Get You Out of My Head" and I had left Si Min in pretty deep slumber. Seeing as I had a room key and a charger in hand, I decided that the next best course of action would be to return to my dad's room. I tried using my dad's phone to sms Si Min but it was unfortunately out of network range. I tried knocking on our door again to no avail. The tux observed all this impassively. We each took turns knocking on our doors. Rat-a-tat-tat and then rat-a-tat-tat. Nothing.
Then suddenly, a door opened. Hot tux's not-so-hot friend probably had a change of heart or just woke up. As I continued on knocking, the tux probably peeped out to check on me. Why I would think that? He popped his head out several times as if he wanted to say something. Perhaps he wanted me to stop knocking but I'm pretty sure he understod my predicament eh? Giving up after a valiant effort of keeping desperation at bay, I headed back to my mum's room to spend the night there.
By this time, my mum was more or less half awake. Laying my head on the bed, I told her the sad tale of being locked out due to my own incompetence. Frankly, it quite depressed me. She then offered the use of her phone. Seeing that I had nothing to lose, I borrowed it and finally managed to sms Si Min. My one hope of getting back clung to the slim chance that she would be awakened by her phone lying nearby.
As i poked my head gingerly out, I was greeted with the sight of an open door. The calvary had been awakened! I zipped out and was barely in when hot tux came out again to check on me. Whew!
-scribbled by jer-
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
2:54 AM
Just a quick thought.
I was sitting in the corridor of the lodge- the room felt a little claustrophobic. From studying the paint, you could tell that the walls were painted rather poorly and probably with a lousy brush. The job was not smooth and ridges had appeared.
Leaning over, I felt the texure of the wall. As you can tell, the corridor ain't that big. It was an odd thing to do, I know. Then again, neither is sitting on the floor of the narrow corridor outside your room considered the most everyday thing. I just felt like doing it. After all, does there always have to be a reason for everything?
Back to the wall, it reminded me faintly of wood. The way a person feels along the grain of it. The wall didn't feel bad- just different. I guess what my point is; imperfection is good.
-scribbled by jer-
Monday, March 03, 2008
4:08 AM
Flying over India now.
The view outside is gorgeous; -stars of all shapes and sizes litter the skies. Alright, I'm lying. The stars are not really dfferently shaped but it just sounds better. The view though is absolutely mind-blowing, mouth-gaping, awe-inspiringly breathtaking. Whew! That was a lot of hyphens! Incredible India alright.
We are so high up that the clouds are below us. All you can see are specks of light below, like a large gathering of fireflies. It really knocks some sense into you about how much of a small fry you are.
The spectacle continues on in the Middle East when it suddenly goes dark past the Caspian sea. It's only till we are about half an hour away to Manchester that the view perks up again. Though it remains dark, you can see the rising of the new day across the horizon with its shades of orange and teal. The sliver of a crescent lingers on in the sky, holding on till it's hung.
A slight layer of snow makes up the welcoming party in Lake District. Snow-capped mountains with white hills make stunning sight. I highly doubt it would remain a fixture though.
-scribbled by jer-
Saturday, February 02, 2008
1:06 AM
Triumph.
Not the bra.
It was such a theme for Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged. Well, perhaps not outright.
I guess it is quite an achievement to survive Year 2. Totally killer year.
Two years in. Check!
Two CCAs. Check!
Two of me?
Shall take note of the last one.
-scribbled by jer-
Monday, January 21, 2008
3:04 PM
Happy birthday Rach!
I think you'll love what I got you -no pictures of me though.
I'm growing my hair, especially my fringe, out.
I'll just random my way through the rest of this post.
I wish The Picturehouse would bring in "Odette Toulemonde," among other films by Catherine Deneuve and Nathalie Baye!
Some Isabelle Huppert would be nice too!
ps. "Comedy of Power" was not her best collaboration with Chabrol.
Jeremy Irons is gorgeous.
I can't wait to see "Sweeney Todd."
Johnny Depp is...*sighs*
Can't focus enough to study.
Giselle in the park should be interesting.
King Lear: The Avoidance of Love was awesome, hilarious, thought-provoking...and was in March 2007, come to think of it.
Reba duets- I hope this doesn't mean I'm going country.
I need to see "I'm Not There."
The Beatles are amazing -but I always knew that since 9. =p
-scribbled by jer-
Monday, January 07, 2008
10:38 PM
I love this line in "Love Actually" where Liam Neeson talks about his late wife at her funeral. She had tried to prepare him for her death and was talking to him about what she specifically wanted him to do. To which he said, "over my dead body," and she replied, "no, over mine."
I should not be here. I should be doing my work- the work I know I so desperately need to finish. The work I know, I feel I cannot complete. I just have no clue what to do. I do the work which is not urgent, which can be delegated but I can't do the pressing stuff.
Maybe it is exhaustion or just being burnt out. I feel like Esther Greenwood, where I no longer can function and I'm losing my bearing. It is no longer a wish or a need to disappear but a burning desire that is in every fibre of my being. I just want to weep from the sheer scariness of the situation.
I screwed up my presentation on Friday- somehow words just failed me and even I realised that it was gibberish I was speaking. I screwed up my interview today- I know I did not expect it, and I was too abstract. I don't really know if I want to be President. It is a frightening thing. What I do know is that I love tc despite the work, and I do want to lead it. I just can't articulate much. When I can make sense, I get thrown off easily and I cannot think quickly on my feet anymore.
Perhaps my mind is just shutting down. I can only write what I feel and nothing else.
No more work, no more bullshit.
-scribbled by jer-
Friday, December 07, 2007
10:53 AM
Ayn Rand.
Brilliant book.
The minute I picked it up, it engulfed me body, mind and soul. It was as if the book had possessed me- some madness, some thing just drove me to keep on reading and it felt like I lived every moment in it.
Very few books do that to me. Intrigue me, move me, drive me to despair. Quite a few have done so but it is very rare to find a book that weaves such a fatalistic spell on me throughout.
I have books which reflect my inner being so perfectly -the bell jar, books which lure me in as they spin a web of intrigue around me and books that drive me to despair in a showing of pathos -asylum. I read them time and again like old weathered friends. They are ol' companions in my journey of life.
Just like when I read the prequel in The Tales of the Otori- "Heaven's Net is Wide," it was as if a supernatural spell was on me and I read the book as if it was on fire. It shocked Githa when I finished that thick book in 5 hours.
-scribbled by jer-
Thursday, November 15, 2007
11:38 PM
November's here.
A Merry Little Christmas is coming your way soon. Watch out world!
Plenty of work to be done and it is calling out to me. I'm getting a little nervous and overwhelmed. When a production comes along, it just consumes my every waking moment. It is in my head almost all the time till it exhausts me.
It was just like that during 10/10. I could not sleep- instead i would be lying in bed going over the play in my head. I would dissect it and examine the finer points.
It drives me insane.
-scribbled by jer-
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
9:30 PM
18.
Big number. Big Day.
CA.
Dead...tired.
Extremely goofy friends.
Fell asleep -ended early. Not a reflection on the company.
-That's the story of my 18th birthday.-
-scribbled by jer-
Friday, August 31, 2007
11:59 PM
It's the end of the month, the eve of a new day. I quite like this moment when an end and a beginning mingle. You don't know just when exactly the transition is made till after it is done ad the debris has settled. The end of August marks the end of my papers and perhaps the start for many of my friends. It is the month of scholars in some sense, with plenty starting university and the rest revising intensively.
I went back to TK yesterday instead of today so as to avoid the chaos and crowd. A countdown should probably be started to anticipate the moment I no longer want to go back. It seems to me that there are alot of new teachers in TK now. At least, I got to see some of my 'old' teachers and talk with them. Mdm Hassan, as usual, is very much the same -awesome. I figured she probably prefer edibles. =j
Ms Ho looked a little thin but cheerful as always. She thinks my favourite word is 'awesome' but I don't quite agree. It's quite cute though. Ms J's hair looks real pretty now. Previously, it used to be tight curls but now it is much looser and natural. It looks really good but it would be way awkward if I told her that now wouldn't it? Can you imagine her reaction? *collapses in giggles*
-scribbled by jer-
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
11:09 PM
What do i do?
I want to laugh and cry all at the same time. My mind is going to distraction. I've so much going on in my head, emotions driving me to despair. Desperation is starting to course through my veins but I can't let it out in the open. It is just not in me to let slip what I'm feeling but if you know me well enough, you could probably tell. Rai did -over sms; I wonder how she knew. One dead giveaway, I'm told, are my eyes.
All this pent-up emotions have to be let out sometime or I'll go off my rocker like Lear. RSC did a splendid all-round production, by the way. I especially enjoyed the performances from William Gaunt and Frances Barber.
Is it too late to crawl into a hole and disappear?
-scribbled by jer-
Friday, July 13, 2007
11:01 PM
Just thought I share some of my favourite poems.
Sir Philip Sidney
My True-Love Hath My Heart
My true-love hath my heart, and I have his,
By just exchange one for the other given.
I hold his dear, and mine he cannot miss:
There never was a bargain better driven.
His heart in me keeps me and him in one;
My heart in him his thoughts and senses guides:
He loves my heart, for once it was his own;
I cherish his because in me it bides.
His heart his wound received from my sight;
My heart was wounded with his wounded heart;
For as from me on him his hurt did light,
So still, methought, in me his hurt did smart:
Both equal hurt, in this change sought our bliss,
My true love hath my heart and I have his.
Lord Byron
When We Two Parted
When we two parted
In silence and tears,
Half broken-hearted
To sever for years,
Pale grew thy cheek and cold,
Colder thy kiss;
Truly that hour foretold
Sorrow to this.
The dew of the morning
Sunk chill on my brow--
It felt like the warning
Of what I feel now.
Thy vows are all broken,
And light is thy fame;
I hear thy name spoken,
And share in its shame.
They name thee before me,
A knell to mine ear;
A shrudder comes o'er me--
Why wert thou so dear?
They know not I knew thee,
Who knew thee so well--
Long, long I shall rue thee,
Too deeply to tell.
In secret we met--
In silence I grieve,
That thy heart could forget,
Thy spirit deceive
If I should meet thee
After long years,
How should I greet thee?--
With silence and tears.
William Wordsworth
Daffodils
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.
The waves beside them danced;
but they Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed - and gazed - but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:
For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
Elizabeth Barrett Browning
A Man's Requirements
I
Love me Sweet, with all thou art,
Feeling, thinking, seeing;
Love me in the lightest part,
Love me in full being.
II
Love me with thine open youth
In its frank surrender;
With the vowing of thy mouth,
With its silence tender.
III
Love me with thine azure eyes,
Made for earnest grantings;
Taking colour from the skies,
Can Heaven's truth be wanting?
IV
Love me with their lids, that fall
Snow-like at first meeting;
Love me with thine heart, that all
Neighbours then see beating.
V
Love me with thine hand stretched out
Freely -- open-minded:
Love me with thy loitering foot, --
Hearing one behind it.
VI
Love me with thy voice, that turns
Sudden faint above me;
Love me with thy blush that burns
When I murmur 'Love me!'
VII
Love me with thy thinking soul,
Break it to love-sighing;
Love me with thy thoughts that roll
On through living -- dying.
VIII
Love me in thy gorgeous airs,
When the world has crowned thee;
Love me, kneeling at thy prayers,
With the angels round thee.
IX
Love me pure, as muses do,
Up the woodlands shady:
Love me gaily, fast and true,
As a winsome lady.
X
Through all hopes that keep us brave,
Farther off or nigher,
Love me for the house and grave,
And for something higher.
XI
Thus, if thou wilt prove me, Dear,
Woman's love no fable,
I will love thee -- half a year --
As a man is able.
-scribbled by jer-